John Cleese on ‘Alerts to terror threats in 2011 Europe’ – very funny!

It sounds like geopolitics, but it actually is very very funny… It will enlighten your day!


“The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.”

The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s Get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French Government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.

The Italians have increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

The Australians, meanwhile, have raised their security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be right, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is canceled.” So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.”

— John Cleese – British writer, actor and tall person.


  • Jean Beatrty

    Being English, I totally agree with this assessment. It’s pretty hard to make an Englishman lose his cool. And I’m so proud we are this way – cool, calm and collected.


    John Wiley Reply:

    Cool, calm and collected? How can you Poms justify this when you look at your civil disorders – burning, thieving and worse in your capital cities and your soccer hooliganism abroad?
    Good to live in a civilized country like Australia………………


    David Jones Reply:

    When did we become civilised?
    I must have missed that celebration


    John Reply:

    Aussie-civilized!! That’s a contradiction in terms me old mate. Civilized & Kiwis seem to mesh together far more readily.


  • Sue Carlyle

    Wot about the Welsh, mate, wot about the Welsh? How will they sing their way out of this one?


    Caerwyddyn Reply:



  • Dirk

    I am German and don’t know a single marching song. Do we spoil it again? But you may mention the war… 🙂


    Birkut Reply:

    This was a good one, Dirk. Try “South Park”: “We make jokes every day, im Buro und zu Hause” – that’s the spirit of German sense of humour (OF COURSE you should mention the war 🙂


    Alex McCarren Reply:

    Planning on third time lucky then are we?


  • ron goddard

    its gonna rain today anyway, so the barbie’s definitely off..


    Jobst Reply:

    Rubbish … that’s what lids are for (on barbies) … and you can open the lid slightly to turn the steak and not get it wet. No rain has ever warranted to stop a barbie, it only means “put rain coat on” or if you live in places where it rains more “take clothes off and put budgy smugglers on” or in your case “buy proper barbie” or for makeshift “go and get wheel barrow, turn it upside down and hang it of tree above barbie”.


  • Michael

    The Americans on the other hand have asked Hollywood and its many action stars to make first charge on the front line hoping that this will wipe out all the oppressors before any of the free world need to intervene and hence saving themselves trillions of dollars for no real gain.


  • Craig Richards

    Brilliant, witty to the extent of pure adulatory; as an aussie who’s convict heritage is now listed as “please use matching paint”, your post is so sadly true. Thank you Mr Cleese you made my day 🙂


  • Chris

    The Irish would start with “it’ll be dandy” and finish with “better give me two guinness to be sure.”


    Paddy Reply:

    That maybe sir…But you could bet your bottom shilling we would come out of it better than everyone else “)


  • rob warren

    Stone the bloody crows you wombats are too serious about life. You should come down under and meet some real people. Take John Cleese in his humor he offers


  • Michael Gordon

    Right on, Mike. He sometimes just up the road from here, in Palm Beach, where he manages to be almost as tedious in person as he is on the stage these days


  • mick

    Boys how bloody good is this.
    The world is a fantastic place and our history makes the legacy we all inherit. All of the lads that I know (from many countries mentioned above) would enjoy the joke. Cleese you are still a f@$ken ball tearer.


  • Abi

    I am an Aussie with three grandparents born in Scotland and one whose parents were born in England. One set of great grandparents were born in Ireland. Hubbies background is Aussie/Canadian/Scots – Irish. We had several soldiers in our families with very strong opinions about pommies in battle. Despite that, I laughed, for multiple reasons. A comedic success John, from where I’m sitting.


  • Mirek

    What a farrago of racist and chauvinist claptrap! Missing are the chief suspects: Israelis and Americans. The former have a permanent “existential” threat level, whilst for the Yanks, its between “what we say, goes” and “all options are on the table”.


  • Richard

    John Cleese is a very funny man. Humour should transcend all other things just because its funny. People get their knickers in a knot over the slightest thing.Some even make Death threats over cartoons ! my feeling is they should get a life – just a have laugh and get on with it.!
    Those who feel insulted or ‘put down’ by a joke should look into themselves to find where the hurt stems from – they might find room for improvement and be able to laugh at themselves. Just remember “You are a long time dead” and humour is one of the things that separates us from other primates.


    Javimor Reply:

    Well yes, really lots of fun reminding Germans their Nazi past. I suppose genocidal British Northamerican colonisation comes at the same category.

    I’m Spanish & I’ve smiled too, don’t get me wrong. But the best is the Aussie part. I’ve worked with those really great guys and I know how positive and humored (and hardworking) they are.


  • Jim

    Thank God for John Cleese, and I’m so glad that he retains his genius for thoroughly entertaining writing. Just like good poetry, comedy can be a great way of seeing reality.


  • George Cook

    Absolutely brilliant! It take the Brits to really make us laugh. By the way, the terms ‘pom’ and ‘pommie’ became redundant nearly 200 years ago, when Britain stopped sending prisoners to Australia. It’s now only used by Aussies who don’t want to forget their heritage.
    American humour? That’s an oxymoron.


  • Ivor Jones

    In my hot little hand I have a previous and superior missive from this tall gentleman, it is a 3 page jobbie titled ‘NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE’
    Addressed to the citizens of the United States of America. If anybody has the skill to add it to this page I think you would like it. This would offend nobody except
    an America, especialy a Republican.


    Richard Reply:

    I would like a copy of the documentNOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE Ivor Jones – or a link to it if its already on the web. Thanks RS.


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