It sounds like geopolitics, but it actually is very very funny… It will enlighten your day!
“The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.”
The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s Get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French Government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.
The Italians have increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”
The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
The Australians, meanwhile, have raised their security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be right, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is canceled.” So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.”
— John Cleese – British writer, actor and tall person.
that is so witty im going to throw another shrimp on the barbie
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Being English, I totally agree with this assessment. It’s pretty hard to make an Englishman lose his cool. And I’m so proud we are this way – cool, calm and collected.
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John Wiley Reply:
November 5th, 2011 at 12:57 am
Cool, calm and collected? How can you Poms justify this when you look at your civil disorders – burning, thieving and worse in your capital cities and your soccer hooliganism abroad?
Good to live in a civilized country like Australia………………
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David Jones Reply:
November 6th, 2011 at 8:44 am
When did we become civilised?
I must have missed that celebration
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John Reply:
November 7th, 2011 at 2:48 am
Aussie-civilized!! That’s a contradiction in terms me old mate. Civilized & Kiwis seem to mesh together far more readily.
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Wot about the Welsh, mate, wot about the Welsh? How will they sing their way out of this one?
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Caerwyddyn Reply:
November 5th, 2011 at 2:10 pm
Tunefully!
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I am German and don’t know a single marching song. Do we spoil it again? But you may mention the war… 🙂
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Birkut Reply:
October 14th, 2011 at 3:52 pm
This was a good one, Dirk. Try “South Park”: “We make jokes every day, im Buro und zu Hause” – that’s the spirit of German sense of humour (OF COURSE you should mention the war 🙂
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Alex McCarren Reply:
November 7th, 2011 at 3:43 am
Planning on third time lucky then are we?
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its gonna rain today anyway, so the barbie’s definitely off..
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Jobst Reply:
November 6th, 2011 at 2:15 am
Rubbish … that’s what lids are for (on barbies) … and you can open the lid slightly to turn the steak and not get it wet. No rain has ever warranted to stop a barbie, it only means “put rain coat on” or if you live in places where it rains more “take clothes off and put budgy smugglers on” or in your case “buy proper barbie” or for makeshift “go and get wheel barrow, turn it upside down and hang it of tree above barbie”.
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John, again you made my day ! Who will take over when you are gone?
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The Americans on the other hand have asked Hollywood and its many action stars to make first charge on the front line hoping that this will wipe out all the oppressors before any of the free world need to intervene and hence saving themselves trillions of dollars for no real gain.
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Brilliant, witty to the extent of pure adulatory; as an aussie who’s convict heritage is now listed as “please use matching paint”, your post is so sadly true. Thank you Mr Cleese you made my day 🙂
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The Irish would start with “it’ll be dandy” and finish with “better give me two guinness to be sure.”
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Paddy Reply:
November 6th, 2011 at 8:49 am
That maybe sir…But you could bet your bottom shilling we would come out of it better than everyone else “)
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Stone the bloody crows you wombats are too serious about life. You should come down under and meet some real people. Take John Cleese in his humor he offers
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This guy can always make fun out of what is truly a crappy situation. Got to go the shrimps burning
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Stupid, hackneyed, claptrap. Putin is a more sophisticated humorist than this dated has-been!
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Right on, Mike. He sometimes just up the road from here, in Palm Beach, where he manages to be almost as tedious in person as he is on the stage these days
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thats not funny
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Unoriginal and not funny and, of course, no criticism of those who might threaten our country!
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Boys how bloody good is this.
The world is a fantastic place and our history makes the legacy we all inherit. All of the lads that I know (from many countries mentioned above) would enjoy the joke. Cleese you are still a f@$ken ball tearer.
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Hey!!
What did the romans ever do for us??
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And I am a German living in Australia. This way I get the best of both worlds.
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And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane – by those who could not hear the music…… Friedrich Nietzsche
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I am an Aussie with three grandparents born in Scotland and one whose parents were born in England. One set of great grandparents were born in Ireland. Hubbies background is Aussie/Canadian/Scots – Irish. We had several soldiers in our families with very strong opinions about pommies in battle. Despite that, I laughed, for multiple reasons. A comedic success John, from where I’m sitting.
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Very funny. Thank you for the music and for giving us your love (thoughts)
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I think that those of you who are not Australians should have your testicles examined by a reliable Doctor, I think that your brains ae lodged in there.
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What a farrago of racist and chauvinist claptrap! Missing are the chief suspects: Israelis and Americans. The former have a permanent “existential” threat level, whilst for the Yanks, its between “what we say, goes” and “all options are on the table”.
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John Cleese is a very funny man. Humour should transcend all other things just because its funny. People get their knickers in a knot over the slightest thing.Some even make Death threats over cartoons ! my feeling is they should get a life – just a have laugh and get on with it.!
Those who feel insulted or ‘put down’ by a joke should look into themselves to find where the hurt stems from – they might find room for improvement and be able to laugh at themselves. Just remember “You are a long time dead” and humour is one of the things that separates us from other primates.
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Javimor Reply:
July 2nd, 2016 at 10:13 pm
Well yes, really lots of fun reminding Germans their Nazi past. I suppose genocidal British Northamerican colonisation comes at the same category.
I’m Spanish & I’ve smiled too, don’t get me wrong. But the best is the Aussie part. I’ve worked with those really great guys and I know how positive and humored (and hardworking) they are.
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Thank God for John Cleese, and I’m so glad that he retains his genius for thoroughly entertaining writing. Just like good poetry, comedy can be a great way of seeing reality.
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perhaps the only other relevant comment would be from the management and guests from Faulty Towers.
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Absolutely brilliant! It take the Brits to really make us laugh. By the way, the terms ‘pom’ and ‘pommie’ became redundant nearly 200 years ago, when Britain stopped sending prisoners to Australia. It’s now only used by Aussies who don’t want to forget their heritage.
American humour? That’s an oxymoron.
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Refreshing as a warm summer day
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So the barbies off then is it?
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This has appeared many times before, credited to others. See http://www.blackfive.net/main/2010/01/the-differential-theory-of-terrorism-alert-levels.html
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Excellent writeup, it definitely got me thinking. I will bookmark this page!
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Sorry folks, but that was written by John Humberstone, not Cleese: http://www.nlpconnections.com/chill-out-room/2318-security-alert-status.html
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The Welsh will keep a welcome in the hillsides, mate.
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In my hot little hand I have a previous and superior missive from this tall gentleman, it is a 3 page jobbie titled ‘NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE’
Addressed to the citizens of the United States of America. If anybody has the skill to add it to this page I think you would like it. This would offend nobody except
an America, especialy a Republican.
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Richard Reply:
July 6th, 2016 at 2:44 pm
I would like a copy of the documentNOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE Ivor Jones – or a link to it if its already on the web. Thanks RS.
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Looking forward to reading more. Great article post. Keep writing.
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